When all else fails, surrender

I don't know about you, but sometimes I just feel like I'm treading water and the smallest things seem to throw me. It's a nightmare, because I do wonder at those times, whether I am really am going to lose the plot and end up rocking in a corner somewhere.

The mind goes round and round and never seems to find anything tangible or soothing to grab onto and frankly, this state can last for days, if not weeks.

It's those times when all the bad habits come to the fore - start smoking again, run around doing way too much stuff rather than just sitting and relaxing in a chair with a cup of tea, eating the wrong foods, not going to bed early, saying silly things....it's a vicious cycle.

Well, I have to say that from experience, the only thing that works for sure for me in those moments is surrender.

Yes, surrender.

Handing it over to the angels or the great spirit and saying: I don't need to understand this, I don't need to be right, I will give it to you in exchange for some peace.

Go on, try it.

Within a relatively short period of time, the mood changes. The lightness returns. You might need to do this several times a day when the going gets rough. But I need to remind myself to do this BEFORE it gets crazy. Yet, seldom does this happen and it's only when I am at the end of my rope that I finally remember that this is the answer!

So, today, it's all about surrendering to the universe all the pain and burdens that we carry, because no one can carry it alone.

In praise of work

I have stopped running and have been quietly working all day, which I have to say has been quite balancing for me. I get a bit in my head when I've no work to do!

So, today, I want to pay a tribute to work as a stabiliser and routine in a chaotic world, especially when the inner world goes haywire.

Now if everyone could just start doing what they love and not be stuck spending most of their lives doing crap they hate, then we'd really be onto something.

But that's for another day, and frankly, I need to sit on my new chair with a nice cup of tea (could be red wine but don't feel like one tonight) and my trashy novel, and then it will be time for bed and when I wake up tomorrow morning, God willing, my beloved will be home and I think I might cry with relief!

Don't let life get you down

I've been a bit lost inside myself the last week or so and I've found myself running around in circles to avoid sitting and letting the inner voice of calm speak to me.

As my friend Ali once said (although far more articulately than this) words to the effect of: God wants us to know all aspects of himself and that includes the joy and the pain. Or put another way: Embrace all our experiences for they allow us to fully know all aspects of our humanity.

So, just for now, I am going to stop running and start listening and start appreciating that all of our experiences are an opportunity to know ourselves and others better and to more fully experience the complexity of our human journey.

Another life lost

A few weeks ago when I was in SA, there was a lady who for reasons of lack of education and lack of money, was seriously ill - see http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=22090175&postID=114659966352143378.

Well I just heard today that she has sadly died. I think this is the saddest thing for those left behind, as aside from all their grief, her family will be trying to figure out how they are going to pay for her funeral. It was just one medical emergency after another and no medical help to prevent this senseless death at the tender age of just 60.

So, tonight I send my prayers to her daughter and family and community for the tragic and preventable death of one of their towers of strength. It is such a waste. Surely there must be something that can be done to stop this from happening.

The fragility of life

I was riding home from my friend's house the other night and bumped into a work colleague not seen for a while. She looked pretty down, asked how I was, said I was great thanks and then she told me that one of the girls from work's boyfriend had been killed two days earlier. The tragic cruelty of this was that he had been over in Iraq for 8 months and had come back earlier that week to the UK to spend some time with his family and friends.

There is something so terribly sad about this scenario and I have been in a kind of shock about it ever since. I'm not really sure why, as on one level, I do have faith that in the scheme of life, there is a plan for all our beings and that he still exists, but just in another form. Maybe the universe needs another angel. In the darkness there is light.

But right now, that doesn't seem to be enough because people are grieving over the loss of a young life. A future that will never be. He won't be able to be hugged any more. His mum will have to bury her child. It all seems so ridiculous that he got through 8 months in a war zone and then came back to the safety of England and the life is over in seconds.

I guess the dealing is for the ones left behind and supporting them to be kind to themselves, giving themselves time to take it all in. It's often after crises like this that people start to find their true path and change direction and become over time happier, more fulfilled beings. That our sadness carves the cup that can then be filled with joy.

So, for everyone who is dealing with or who has dealt with tragedy or loss and not knowing how you will carry on, may the angels be with you and bring you peace.

I miss my baby...

My beloved got a new job last year, which involves 60-70% travel. A couple of years before, he had decided he didn't want to be away from home that much, but last year, THE job came along and we decided he simply must take it. And he's really found his niche there, which is wonderful and I am delighted for him.

This week, however, I am missing him like crazy. I'm usually not a big misser. I generally just get on and enjoy life as it unfolds each day. But having been home just 3 days from my SA trip and then he was off for 2 weeks again, I have to say has been totally and utterly crap!

So, today I want to say, honey, I miss you. I miss waking up with you in the mornings, and I miss going to sleep with you in the nights. I miss being near you. I miss knowing you'll be home when I get in from a long night at work. I miss your cups of tea. I miss your mimitos and besitos on the sofa. I miss talking with you about whatever is happening in our worlds. I miss YOU.

And I am so grateful you are in my life. And just for this week, I feel a part of me is missing. And that part would be you and I want it back!

The loveliness of smileliness

Hello dear reader (if there is anybody out there)....













I want to treat you to some pictures from my trip which were a gift from the lovely Mel and obviously have her copyright on them. She is so talented. Anyway, here are some beautiful people with beautiful smiles and beautiful hearts.

Iontophoresis - diary of my treatment programme

I just want to say that if any of you out there suffer from sweaty hands and feet (it is a medical condition effecting 0.6% -1% of the population and it's called hyperhidrosis), then help is at hand.

There are 4 treatment options available - one involves cutting a nerve in your neck (hmmm, let's just say, not an option), one involves botox injections and a nerve block as so painful (and only lasts a couple of months, ewww), one involves aluminium deodorant (alzheimers here I come) and the 4th option (it's better, trust me), is called iontophoresis.

Now the reason I am telling you this is because I have told three friends of mine and they all said they have this condition too. And we never knew. How bizarre is that?

As one also intimately acquainted with this condition - nice, you must think I am a right festy old thing by now, but I'm not THAT bad! - I have decided to guinea pig myself and write a little diary of my experiences with this treatment.

Oh and iontophoresis involves passing an electrical current through water, no drugs, non permanent, safe apparently - see http://hyperhidrosis.org/iontophoresis.htm.

So, here's my diary... Will update as I go along.

Day 1 (tuesday week one) - 20 mins on level 7. Hands felt slightly numb. May decide just to do feet. Need on feet as in dire straits since diagnosis of skin condition exacerbated by sweatiness and with summer coming, limiting chances of foot modelling income (joke). Felt rather itchy on legs for most of the day. No noticable sweating of the hands (not stressed enough or working hard enough, must work harder - another joke), but some on the feet. In good mood all day. Not sure if will continue with hands. Will keep going as after first 4 weeks, only maintenance required.

Day 2 (wed week 1) - 20 mins on level 7. Felt a bit like jumping into a cold swimming pool after just got warm again, but OK. A bit painful on the hands and one spot on the feet. Used extra vaseline on the cut finger. Hurts a lot when not covered properly. Feel itching on the torso and scalp. Hopefully nothing major. Have lots of energy and been up for HOURS, like on overdrive! Noticable redness on the feet (very red) and slight itching but somehow feels like it is a good thing. Very unsweaty hands and they feel less dry today and seem to be OK on the feeling. I wonder if I would get a zap if I touched something? I hope this is doing me good as I feel like I am being charged up. Having too much fun to not see what happens next.

Will see how I get on as I have another appointment on Friday.

So, here's to not knowing how something will turn out, but doing it for the experience.

Day 3 (thurs week 1) - no treatment today. Felt mildly itchy and primed for anything all day (despite just 6 hours sleep). I wonder if this would be any good for depression. Keen to see what happens next! Also did have a test of the sweatiness with client meeting and running late, so plenty of opportunities for anxiety to creep in. Confidently shook client's hand on the way in and way out. Can relate to story of sales guy running across the room to intro himself to strangers after years of silent dread. Am loving the treatment so far.

Day 4 - (fri week 1) - started on level 7-8 but ended up down at 4 as just seemed to feel really sensitive to the electricity today. Apparently the Victorians used to stand in a circle holding hands and then someone would crank up a machine to send a mild electricial current through them, so I'm telling you, this thing is good for the mind as well as body! My right hand hurt a lot. At the end of the session, the nurse gave me this emoilient stuff, which I felt is full of chemicals and not that nice. My hands were sweaty for most of the day, but are back fine again as I write this on sat. Noticeably less itchy, but somewhat light headed for most of the day. Will persist to see what happens next! Am noticeably more tired but that could be because I hardly slept last week (!) or due to mild hangover from big night last night (am too old for this anymore). Feet seem to be less red, am craving less sugar and drinking less tea. I wonder what the scientists would say about that...

Day 5 (monday week 2) - started on level 6 and that seemed OK today. Had a few stingy bits from cut on my toe, but covered it up with cream and was fine. Slightly itchy all over. Important to moisturise. Slightly dry hands, but that might be because they are used to being sweaty all the time. Had a very stressful work event on last night, was running late, feeling anxious. And not a drop of sweat from my hands did come! It was a miracle. Really. I could even shake someone's hand at the end of the evening. So, it has, I would say, had a profound effect on my hyperhidrosis (I would say when I started it was mild to moderate with occasional severe peaks - last night would have exacerbated a severe peak). Even my feet were OK. Less effect than the hands, but still I can see all the skin problems clearing up on them (and I've not started using the cream as yet). Wonder treatment? Maybe... will keep going and keep you posted.

Day 6 (thursday week 2) - started on level 6 and was OK. Still itchy and been using moisturiser morning and night on my legs (worse with waxing growing back!) and need to use hand cream often (there's a nice Weleda one that smells like orange). But pretty OK. Shame the flying high didn't last and I have been feeling quite strange this week, but that could be because of bad news week. I wonder if the fact that I have bitten off all my fingernails has anything to do with any of this?! Sweaty hands seems a thing of the past and feet are noticeably improved, but still not great. Plus have developed unsightly rash on feet which will require further exploration from the Dermatologist (which is why I started all this in the first place).

Day 7 (tuesday week 3) - started on level 6 and went to 4, as felt very sensitive today. I'm not sure if it's because my life is a bit chaotic at the moment or what, but I am like an emotional roller coaster. I wonder if all that electricity has anything to do with it. My hands are so dry I have started using cream, the itching has stopped and my feet although with less effect, are showing signs of improvement too. Rash on feet still quite bad but the skin tone I would say looks better. One more session to go. I think I will crank up the feet and stop the hands, as even though I hated the sweatiness, the dryness factor is also quite unpleasant. I've got old lady hands. Maybe I've just got to get used to it.

Week 6 - I am onto maintenance treatment now, which means I have completed the first 4 weeks and now go once a week for a 'top up'. My hands are pretty much 100% fixed it seems. Still have their very dry days where I need lots of handcream, and they did sweat in Granada when it was 35 degrees (but that my friends is NORMAL). But it also reminds to drink more water and it could be that they are recovering from all those years of sweating.

I really think the normal sweatiness and hypohidrosis sweating are different things....anyway that's a whole different argument.The feet are still a bit of an issue especially as I have a nasty skin condition which seems to have been exacerbated by the treatment. I don't think it's just because it's summer either. I think that the treatment may be causing them additional stress. But I have also been working hard and long hours, so it could be that too. They were also more severe, and they are significantly less sweaty, but probably still a 3/10. Which to be honest is wonderful. I think it's going to take longer to fix them than the hands, but that's OK. I would really recommend the treatment to anyone contemplating it, as long as you can put up with some initial itchiness, the need to handcream and potentially some effect on your mood.

A plea for us to slow down

This came into my inbox today and I think it is pretty special, even though I saw something similar a few years ago...

This poem was written by a terminally ill young girl in a New York Hospital. It was sent by a medical doctor - Make sure to read what is in the closing statement.

SLOW DANCE


Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.


Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.


Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

FORWARDED E-MAILS ARE TRACKED TO OBTAIN THE TOTAL COUNT.


Dear All:


PLEASE pass this mail on to everyone you know - even to those you don't know! It is the request of a special girl who will soon leave this world due to cancer. This young girl has 6 months left to live, and as her dying wish, she
wanted to send a letter telling everyone to live their life to the fullest, since she never will. She'll never make it to prom, graduate from high school, or get married and have a family of her own. By you sending this to as many people as possible, you can give her and her family a little hope, because with every name that this is sent to, The
American Cancer Society will donate 3 cents per name to her treatment and recovery plan. One guy sent this to 500 people! So I know that we can at least send it to 5 or 6. It's not even your money, just your time! PLEASE PASS ON AS A LAST REQUEST.


Dr. Dennis Shields, Professor
Department of Developmental and Molecular Biology
1300 Morris Park Avenue
Bronx, New York 10461

Papasan heaven

You know when there is something that takes you back to a time and place that now seems lost? The memories associated with it being seared into your brain for all eternity?

Well, the other day I came upon a Papasan chair, possibly the most deliciously relaxing and cosy piece of furniture known to man. And I thought about having one in my house for almost a month.

And today, I went and bought it. But only half of it is here, as the rest couldn't fit in the car.

But I will get it sent tomorrow so hopefully then, I can curl up under the window, with the sun streaming into my lap, decadently reading a book and reminisce about times passed yet in our being still. About moments and feelings long forgotten, yet still present somehow. And be so grateful that I could buy it just because I wanted to have it in my home regardless of its impracticality.

So, here's to the new Papasan that will now be a part of my future as well as my past. Oh, yeah, honey, I bought the chair. Hope you don't mind.

Now I just need a cat to sit on there with me!

Leave the door ajar

Words have the power to harm or heal and everything in between. So often in a moment of anger, or pain, or frustration, or arrogance or whatever, words get spoken that maybe weren't meant to be, and someone ends up getting hurt.

But recently I have been realising how important it is to at least leave the possibility, even if it is only 0.000001%, that maybe, just maybe, the other person might be right or that one might have missed something in their mental and emotional calculations.

So, today, here is to leaving the door open for the possibility of change or seeing something in a different way. And may there be peace there.

A sense of purpose

I have realised today that one of the beautiful things about my time in Nekkies was that my love could be shared with so many people all at once. And I am someone who loves having people to love. It makes me feel real somehow.

So, today, as I have been at home essentially alone (husband at home working from dawn til dusk does not count as company really!), I have realised how much I miss that right now. Having people around all the time can be tiring, but it can also be beautiful. To share, to laugh, to enjoy, to support.

I can totally understand how the people in the community felt sorry for me staying in a big house by myself. I think I would also rather stay in less salubrious surrounds with people I love and who love me.

So, here's to the sense of purpose that comes from loving. Because I feel it is truely one of the greatest gifts of our humanity.

Finding a place for pain

For some years now, I have gained great solace from drawing, painting and writing. Not that I was not given a great gift of artistic ability, but I have started producing some art that not I only think is beautiful, but other people are enjoying too.

Last year, around the anniversary of my Granny's death, I was a complete wreck and couldn't figure out what was going on. So, I went to a friend's place and I did my first canvas. It was amazing. The paint just showed me where to put it, the colours mixed themselves and I think it is still one of the best paintings I have done.

My friend was so supportive and said I had a really good eye for colour. And I haven't stopped painting since! I think I have done more than 10 canvases since then and our house now feels like a bit of an art gallery.

Today, I have done this painting, as I have been feeling a bit like a fish out of water adjusting back into normal life.

Anyway, the point of my tale is that art is a wonderful way of expressing our inner worlds. Sometimes, as I saw on my trip, there is more pain than one heart can or should carry. Really. And if that pain gets turned inwards, it can destroy the person. But if they can get it out and make it manifest in something beautiful, or express it in a way that they can tell others, or just show the burden they must carry, then it opens the door to freedom and an end to suffering.

So, here's to expressional art. Because it really is one way to ease the pain of our suffering.

Home again, home again, jiggedy jig

Well, I have finally got back online as it were, after the battery of the computer I was using started to smoke. Was not keen on the idea of replacing the whole computer, so stopped using it.

I am back in London and have be welcomed home with a beautiful warm sunny spring day. All the trees are green, the birds are singing and it seems all is well in this place.

Am totally lost today as I am a bit jet lagged I think. It's amazing how one can be thrust from one extreme environment to another in such a short space of time. And even more amazing that you just kind of adjust to it.

Thought for today?

I think for me it is important to count the blessings that are in abundance around us each day. No matter how small they may seem. And be grateful for all our experiences, for they help us to grow and learn and see the beauty in all things.... Does that sound wanky?!

Sunday - day of rest and reflection

I've only got 3 more days here (including today) and while the time has flown, many lifetimes have also been lived.

So much going on and around in my head it's hard to put into words really. I think I'll be reflecting on and learning from my experiences for a long time to come.

Which is really a wonderful thing on balance.

I am not really sure what I am going to do next with this project and am trying to figure out how best to be involved. It is, shall we say, something of a dilemma for a range of complex and varied reasons I won't go into here.

I don't really even have a reflection for today except that from where I sit, one's experiences are only as deep, or painful, or profound or loving or whatever...as that person is. So, two people can be in the same place or situation or be having the 'same' experience, yet be having a completely different 'experience' (if that makes sense to anyone other than me!).

And I also feel that if you invest in knowing your own self, then that is the greatest gift you can offer yourself, your friends, your family, your children, your community, the world...

Friday - the days you live for

Well, it has been an amazing day for me.

The sun was shining and when the sun shines in Nekkies, the whole world feels it.

I feel like I had a job to do coming here and today I feel that I have accomplished it. Suffice to say that when you can be a part of a group of people liberating themselves with freedom and hope and love and the wonderous truth of who they are, then in that moment, there is no need for anything else ever again. As I watched the setting sun, I know I will carry this day with me always.

So, today, it's about the anticipation of the following of the path and the sweet liberation of release.

Power to the people!

Photo by the wonderous Mel.

Thursday - love is the way

When he smiles

The whole world lights up

And he speaks

So softly, so gently

Of love

So pure

So definitely

So truthfully

It feels as though

the heart will break

Just to hear it.

Mel

You know sometimes an angel appears in the flesh and you just don't know how you would have got through without them? Well, that is Mel.

Mel is an amazing woman. She's a writer. She loves Sarah MacLachlan. She is a poet. She is a wise woman. She is an explorer. She loves. She cares. She reflects. She gives.

She has touched the hearts of the kids here with her wonderful skills and kind and warm heart. She has listened to me ramble on for hours over vegetarian dinners at the end of a long long day when neither of us have eaten because you can't eat in front of a hungry child and not give them the food.

She has helped me test theories and added her own gems of insight when I just probably wouldn't have had time to get to there on my own.

She is a wonderful and I wish her all the happiness with whatever she decides to do from here. Because she deserves all the best of everything life has to offer.

To Mel because I just don't know what I would have done without you!

Wednesday - just keep going

It has been raining solidly for a couple of days now and when it rains in Nekkies, it sure is miserable. Mud everywhere and so grey, it seems that any glimmer of hope just gets sucked into the clouds.

I think my hero today was Fret - the guy who came a fixed the electricity. A couple of us when on a mission to find him and he came and when that electricity came back on (after two days of dark and gloom), I shouted an almighty 'woooohooo' and started dancing. I have been been so pleased to see the light!

All is not desperate and hopeless. I really believe that two things can happen to people in extreme circumstances. They either find a strength and love so strong it will not break, or they try and escape in a haze of drugs or sex or some other mind numbing activity.

For some people I have seen and met, it really is too late and god knows how I do it, but I can somehow see that and kind of accept it somehow.

To cry would be - quite simply - self indulgent.

What needs to happen, I think, is prevention of it happening BEFORE it happens, or to somehow break those cycles of poverty ...and homelessness...and mental illness...and unemployment...

And you know, I think that is what is happening with MADaboutART. We're not totally there, and time will tell, but with skills, self awareness and lots of love and support (the love and support really does exist within that community), there is hope.

I was talking with a couple of the kids today and I truely felt my heart would break with love. They are so so amazingly loving and gentle and unconditional and forgiving. They give so much just by being themselves.

So, here's to choosing love in the most difficult of circumstances. They sure put things in perspective.

Those eyes

Big brown eyes

Looking up at me
Confidently
Wisely
Hopefully
Unflinchingly

Seeing into me
Waiting
Patiently
Hopefully
Expectantly

Smiling at me
Warmly
Innocently
Truthfully
Openly

Begging me

Desperately

Silently

Eagerly

Knowingly.

One crisis after another

It is crisis central around here. People are living on the edge of, or in the middle of, some kind of crisis, day in and day out.

I don't mean - what am I going to wear to the party tonight, or does he like me, kind of crisis.

We're talking will she make it through the night or will it be another ambulance ride to the hospital for the 4th time this month type of crisis. Or losing your baby because of medical mis-management, or being so hungry you'll beg or eat out of a rubbish pile, or not being able to sleep because you are scared of the noises and the dark and not being able to keep a light on because electricity is so expensive, or I can't go home because mum is being beaten or killed, or someone is drunk.

I think this is what is called the Poverty Cycle. Am boy what a cycle and what a shitty shitty place to be.

And I feel so angry and so frustrated that it is all so unnecessary. All so preventable. And all so certainly, someone is getting rich off other people's pain and suffering.

And it all seems so horribly unnecessary.

If she hadn't developed an addiction to sugar and fatty foods and done some exercise and ate fruit and vege instead of chips and other packaged crap, then she probably wouldn't be so overweight. If she wasn't so overweight, she may not have developed diabetes. If she'd had access to the right medication, she probably wouldn't have become insulin dependent. If she knew about food and carbohydrates and eating for diabetes, or even had access to a glucose monitor, she probably wouldn't be stuck in her chair everyday, waiting for the next medical emergency to happen. As I sit and watch her baby grandaughter tucking into a piece of chocolate because that's all there is to eat..

At least, in some small way, with the programme I am involved with, we are starting to break some of those cycles by providing information and building confidence to make choices they want for themselves, rather than just blindly continuing.

Pick your area - teeth, nutrition, drug and alcohol, crime, unemployment, HIV and other STIs, teenage pregnancy, domestic violence. All here in one place - under the banner of poverty.

It is so so hard to watch. And the point is, you can't judge someone for not knowing something. And not knowing that they don't know.

Try living in those conditions - wooden shack (someone's burnt to shreds today probably because of the parafin lamp being on), wet and cold esp in the winter, always sick with something, hardly any money, stress, generation after generation..... and see if you could honestly say you would do any better.

And if you could, it would because you have learned about looking after yourself, and about nurition and have developed skills. That would be an interesting experiment except you would know it would end and you could leave whenever you wanted.

The world is surely an unequal place. And just for tonight, that is almost too much to bear.

Here's to ending apathy. Because we can all make a difference.

Tuesday - Insights aplenty

One of my jobs in research is to find insights. That is nuggets of truth that no one else has managed to find or articulate. That increases understanding of phenomenon or people or whatever the person paying is interested in finding out.

Well today, after much hard work, I have managed to chat to some people and unearthed some real gems.

It’s been a good day from a work perspective, despite the hunger (mine and theirs), lack of electricity (a dog chewed through the cable so cutting out all electricity) and the rain. My god, the rain. We need it but it sure is grim to live in a wooden shack when it rains and the damp just permeates everything.

Am on the homeward stretch now. One week to go. I’ll sure miss this place.

Monday - Not enough love to go around

I have such an intense day. I think that sometimes there really isn’t enough love, or food, or warmth, or water, or clothes to go around.

I spent the whole day giving to others and I know it didn’t even touch the sides and that tomorrow, it will be like the battery is empty again.

We basically looked after about 25 kids who would have spent the day being bored, or lonely or having to do work on their school holiday, so it was so so worth it to hear them singing and laughing and running around and enjoying themselves, And tomorrow they will be back to school. Not often you hear a kid say he would rather be at school than not, especially not where I come from or live.

So, today, I have realised how many many things there are to be grateful for and how lucky I am to be able to drive home tonight.